I was thinking on the way to work, am I a fun person? Then i was like, what would my friends say, probably yes-ish. Then it was like, maybe do i mean am i exciting, because friends wouldnt be happy to hang out unless you were somewhat fun, then i was like no. I dont do enough with enough enthusiasm and wild abandon to be an exciting person. Thats ok, it might be exhausting. Then i thought, well I wouldnt say fun, at least not all the time, but sometimes... which i came to the descriptor: better-than-nothing some of the time.
Then i thought to myself... wow, what a negative internal monologue i have... so mean.
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Birthday thoughts
Not actually birthday related, it just happens to be my birthday today. (Maybe I should put a T.M.I. warning on this post like Fodder does on hers.)
1. I was chatting to someone online who wrote "I heart dogs". I think this is sorta funny/odd, although i've seen "i heart x" often enough, its just it reminded me of the xkcd commic, reverse euphemisms. Its like, reverse emoticons. But emoticons shorten words -> to type out a emoticon makes it longer ?wtf mate?. But I suppose it still counts as diminuative (which in language terms is almost synonomous with cutsie), which might be the major factor in them using it, not the shortening words thing.
2. On my ride to work this morning i was feeling very frisky, see comment 3+4+5 below, and was trying to describe the feeling to myself. Its like a tingle/pressure that travels in very specific places. It seems to tingle at the base of my palms, run up between the bones of my forearms, to the inner fleshy bit of my elbow. Jumps to by armpits/chest and becomes a pressure running from my heart to my throat, and a strong awareness/pressure running down from my chest. Finishing in a feeling that is not exactly the same, but not hugely different from the need to pee. Made me wonder if its related to chemicals in the lymph node system. Anyone know?
3. The on-ramp to the tollway heading north at flemington bridge is awesome fun on a motorbike when you time it right. 0-100(ish), very fast, up an inclined, slightly curved ramp. My riding for the last couple of days has been very "more assertive" than usual. More lane splitting, faster cornering (which is still too slow in my opinion of my technical capabilities), more acceleration, and more *ahem* theoretical speeding. It has been more fun. But i think it is related to 4.
4. How much do guys usually think about sex? how could anyone cope with feeling the way i have for the last three or four days, for long periods? I mean, normally i think about it a little bit, but for the last three or four days, i cant seem to get it out of my head for even 2 minutes. Too frisky for comfortable, responsible (see 3) thought processes to work. I blame M-stak, although im on my last couple of days. It seems to have upset my normal libido levels. (Although so did stak, but i liked that one better because it also gave me a general "up" feeling. M-stak doesn't, it isnt a downer, just not an upper.)
5. Anyone know how much masturbation for a single mid twenty year old is usual? I'm at around 3-4 times a day for the last few days. Its way up on the last few months for me, as I've been too tired to bother except on the weekends, and now wham (as in alot). I feel like I should ask some of my (guy) friends, but they all married/partners, and it's a weird topic to broatch... Instead, I'll just ask the internet in general. Normally (when I'm not tired), i think it's maybe once every day or so. Currently, as it is, it eats into my time too much. Not to mention, there's the whole catholic stance on the immorality of it... although I'm neither catholic nor in the habbit of caring about moral right and wrong except in the sence of positive and negative consequences for your actions (which isnt really a moral question, but a question of balancing pro's and con's. for example, stealing someones money: is the money worth?: a) risk of penalties for being caught and b) how you feel about cheating someone (I always think of this as guilt-cost. Although if you feel guilty, is that your conscience telling you, "You did the wrong thing."? Maybe you can't disasscosiate the feeling of fear of reprisal from empathy/sympathy for your victim.) c) how it effects your own self image). I still blame the M-stak.
1. I was chatting to someone online who wrote "I heart dogs". I think this is sorta funny/odd, although i've seen "i heart x" often enough, its just it reminded me of the xkcd commic, reverse euphemisms. Its like, reverse emoticons. But emoticons shorten words -> to type out a emoticon makes it longer ?wtf mate?. But I suppose it still counts as diminuative (which in language terms is almost synonomous with cutsie), which might be the major factor in them using it, not the shortening words thing.
2. On my ride to work this morning i was feeling very frisky, see comment 3+4+5 below, and was trying to describe the feeling to myself. Its like a tingle/pressure that travels in very specific places. It seems to tingle at the base of my palms, run up between the bones of my forearms, to the inner fleshy bit of my elbow. Jumps to by armpits/chest and becomes a pressure running from my heart to my throat, and a strong awareness/pressure running down from my chest. Finishing in a feeling that is not exactly the same, but not hugely different from the need to pee. Made me wonder if its related to chemicals in the lymph node system. Anyone know?
3. The on-ramp to the tollway heading north at flemington bridge is awesome fun on a motorbike when you time it right. 0-100(ish), very fast, up an inclined, slightly curved ramp. My riding for the last couple of days has been very "more assertive" than usual. More lane splitting, faster cornering (which is still too slow in my opinion of my technical capabilities), more acceleration, and more *ahem* theoretical speeding. It has been more fun. But i think it is related to 4.
4. How much do guys usually think about sex? how could anyone cope with feeling the way i have for the last three or four days, for long periods? I mean, normally i think about it a little bit, but for the last three or four days, i cant seem to get it out of my head for even 2 minutes. Too frisky for comfortable, responsible (see 3) thought processes to work. I blame M-stak, although im on my last couple of days. It seems to have upset my normal libido levels. (Although so did stak, but i liked that one better because it also gave me a general "up" feeling. M-stak doesn't, it isnt a downer, just not an upper.)
5. Anyone know how much masturbation for a single mid twenty year old is usual? I'm at around 3-4 times a day for the last few days. Its way up on the last few months for me, as I've been too tired to bother except on the weekends, and now wham (as in alot). I feel like I should ask some of my (guy) friends, but they all married/partners, and it's a weird topic to broatch... Instead, I'll just ask the internet in general. Normally (when I'm not tired), i think it's maybe once every day or so. Currently, as it is, it eats into my time too much. Not to mention, there's the whole catholic stance on the immorality of it... although I'm neither catholic nor in the habbit of caring about moral right and wrong except in the sence of positive and negative consequences for your actions (which isnt really a moral question, but a question of balancing pro's and con's. for example, stealing someones money: is the money worth?: a) risk of penalties for being caught and b) how you feel about cheating someone (I always think of this as guilt-cost. Although if you feel guilty, is that your conscience telling you, "You did the wrong thing."? Maybe you can't disasscosiate the feeling of fear of reprisal from empathy/sympathy for your victim.) c) how it effects your own self image). I still blame the M-stak.
Friday, September 9, 2011
Thoughts for friday the ninth
1. I saw a Nun washing the driveway down with a hose, this is illigal due to water restrictions, but also, it had just rained, so doubly bad imo because soil is already saturated so runnoff doesnt add to plant life. I feel like it was a superfluous use of natural resource, which i beleive somehow should impinge on the vow of poverty. Because what is the vow of poverty, but forgoing modern luxuries, which a needless uses of natural resources beyond mere survival.
2. I saw an ex-flatmates dad at uni, he is also my ex-landlord (was the flatmate's dad's investment property). He stopped to chat when i said hi as i walked past, so i felt compelled to stop also. He intimidates me so im rather brusque with him (he is high up in the school of graduate research and i do have a bit of a complex regarding percieved authority figures), which im told makes him think i dont like him, which seems to make him try harder to talk to me, which makes me worse. But also, the only thing i know to talk to him about is his son, so i say complimentary things about him. Which i have a sneaking suspicion the dad likes to hear, and so he stops to hear these indirect compliments of his work (hehe).
3. The lord of change (think warhammer 40k) is a good name for God. He is immutable and omniscient, then he can see all of reality, and percieve every change in state perfectly. Therefore he is always aware of every change. But further, since he can see every constituent of the universe, he can see that although the configuration is constantly changing, the base constituents are always the same. So from his point of view everything must always be both changing and remaining the same, so he masters the knowledge of both. Making it a good title, imo. (Also note the stochastic nature of quantum mechanics related to Heisenburg uncertainty is not applicable to 'supernatural' entities that can observe without action/reaction consequences).
4. I got a new laptop, yay.
2. I saw an ex-flatmates dad at uni, he is also my ex-landlord (was the flatmate's dad's investment property). He stopped to chat when i said hi as i walked past, so i felt compelled to stop also. He intimidates me so im rather brusque with him (he is high up in the school of graduate research and i do have a bit of a complex regarding percieved authority figures), which im told makes him think i dont like him, which seems to make him try harder to talk to me, which makes me worse. But also, the only thing i know to talk to him about is his son, so i say complimentary things about him. Which i have a sneaking suspicion the dad likes to hear, and so he stops to hear these indirect compliments of his work (hehe).
3. The lord of change (think warhammer 40k) is a good name for God. He is immutable and omniscient, then he can see all of reality, and percieve every change in state perfectly. Therefore he is always aware of every change. But further, since he can see every constituent of the universe, he can see that although the configuration is constantly changing, the base constituents are always the same. So from his point of view everything must always be both changing and remaining the same, so he masters the knowledge of both. Making it a good title, imo. (Also note the stochastic nature of quantum mechanics related to Heisenburg uncertainty is not applicable to 'supernatural' entities that can observe without action/reaction consequences).
4. I got a new laptop, yay.
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
Cup half full
I was trying to explain an idea i had once about why saying "I didn't choose to exsist" was sorta meaningless and I started to develop the following analogy to explain exsistance. And i like it as a christian meta-physics approach.
So when the circumstances of the begining of your life come in to fruition, you start to live, right? I.e. causality required: you cannot influence the world before you begin, therefore you cannot prevent the formation of the circumstances that give rise to your own physical body.
Say your body is like a container, and god takes part of himself, his divine essence, and fills that container with it. The essence prior to being in the container is like pure clear water, anypart of which is indistinguishable from any other, therefore which actual part is used is irrelevent, because it is homogenous. (This part is inspired by the entropy and mixing fluids (any non-homogenous fluids loose entropy to the universe when mixed, while homogenous fluids do not when mixed, essentially because homogenous fluids cannot mix, as any "part" is indistinct from any other "part") look it up for better explanation)
The divine part of yourself couldnt not choose to exist, because if it did, the circumstances that gave rise to the creation of the container still exsist, hence so does the container, so it needs to be filled, so it would be, with an indistinct alternative peice of the essence, so in the end, you exsist. I suppose this means, i consider: the configuration of the container and the fluid constitutes you (or more distinctly your personality).
Then my thoughts went on with this idea. The shape of the essence is like your personality, formed by the shape of the container etc. But during the course of your life, the divine essence is 'colored' with your experiance, and it changes the nature of the divine essence to be something distinct. Now your soul is distinct and unique, so when you die, and return to god's essence, you are no longer part of the homogenous continuity. You can be said to mix (in a psudo-bastardised-thermodynamic sence), to bring and share something new.
The shape of the container/essence being your personality was inspired by the idea that who you are is shaped by experiance and potential. Your personality MUST be influenced by your physical self, as how other people react to you is influenced by such things as pheremones/ body apperance/ gender etc. The shape of the container changes over your lifetime.
The 'coloring' of the essence (Im using a food-dye / water analogy here) is your 'emotional' self. The part of you independant of your personal history and physiological self. The shape of the container, and its interaction with other containers/things, effect how your essence is stained, but its not the shape that goes back to god. Since to get the essence, the container is broken.
I'm not explaining this well, but my conclusion was that personality is physiologically dependant. Dependant on the current configuration of the container and water.
Your body is the container (all physical).
The soul is divine essense, tainted to make it unique to the original divine essence. I.e. 'coloured' water.
My conclusion was, when your body dies, your personality dies, but your soul (which is now a uniquely tainted divine essense) can go back to god, as something new. And therefore, you should endevour to promote "positive" emotional responses in yourself, as your knowledge/history/relationships will all fade away with destruction of the container.
I may alter this post later as i work out better ways of explaining what i mean, to give better flow etc.
So when the circumstances of the begining of your life come in to fruition, you start to live, right? I.e. causality required: you cannot influence the world before you begin, therefore you cannot prevent the formation of the circumstances that give rise to your own physical body.
Say your body is like a container, and god takes part of himself, his divine essence, and fills that container with it. The essence prior to being in the container is like pure clear water, anypart of which is indistinguishable from any other, therefore which actual part is used is irrelevent, because it is homogenous. (This part is inspired by the entropy and mixing fluids (any non-homogenous fluids loose entropy to the universe when mixed, while homogenous fluids do not when mixed, essentially because homogenous fluids cannot mix, as any "part" is indistinct from any other "part") look it up for better explanation)
The divine part of yourself couldnt not choose to exist, because if it did, the circumstances that gave rise to the creation of the container still exsist, hence so does the container, so it needs to be filled, so it would be, with an indistinct alternative peice of the essence, so in the end, you exsist. I suppose this means, i consider: the configuration of the container and the fluid constitutes you (or more distinctly your personality).
Then my thoughts went on with this idea. The shape of the essence is like your personality, formed by the shape of the container etc. But during the course of your life, the divine essence is 'colored' with your experiance, and it changes the nature of the divine essence to be something distinct. Now your soul is distinct and unique, so when you die, and return to god's essence, you are no longer part of the homogenous continuity. You can be said to mix (in a psudo-bastardised-thermodynamic sence), to bring and share something new.
The shape of the container/essence being your personality was inspired by the idea that who you are is shaped by experiance and potential. Your personality MUST be influenced by your physical self, as how other people react to you is influenced by such things as pheremones/ body apperance/ gender etc. The shape of the container changes over your lifetime.
The 'coloring' of the essence (Im using a food-dye / water analogy here) is your 'emotional' self. The part of you independant of your personal history and physiological self. The shape of the container, and its interaction with other containers/things, effect how your essence is stained, but its not the shape that goes back to god. Since to get the essence, the container is broken.
I'm not explaining this well, but my conclusion was that personality is physiologically dependant. Dependant on the current configuration of the container and water.
Your body is the container (all physical).
The soul is divine essense, tainted to make it unique to the original divine essence. I.e. 'coloured' water.
My conclusion was, when your body dies, your personality dies, but your soul (which is now a uniquely tainted divine essense) can go back to god, as something new. And therefore, you should endevour to promote "positive" emotional responses in yourself, as your knowledge/history/relationships will all fade away with destruction of the container.
I may alter this post later as i work out better ways of explaining what i mean, to give better flow etc.
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