New years resolution

I do not have a new years resolution. I almost never do, but i already had one from june last year, that i am continuing to chase. Get better.

It is an upskilling thing. Bigger stronger body, more confidence, more outgoing, more friendly and kind. Alround paladin goals. (Although i find i enjoy being the support in a game. Is omni a support character?)

I just watched a "skinny guys guide to bodybuilding" video that turned out to be a ten minute intro to a "send me money scheme" (which is what i was expecting it to be).

The five "donts":
1. secret training regimes of bodybuilders will only work if you are already genetically predisposed
2. weightgain suppliments dont work and are marketed by the same companies who produce the weight lifting magazines
3. Steroids work only while taking them and always have potential side effects
4. Long times spent at the gym wont help unless you rest adiquately
5. I forget the fifth one, it was some thing i already knew anyway.

but then he went through how he felt at uni about his body: too skiny, secretly jealous of his fitter friends, never took his t-shirt off because he was embarased by his body, avoided sports because of embarasemtn getting changed in change rooms, his friends tried to help by leaving muscle building magazines on his bed, he went to the gym to do chest workouts for 2 1/2 hours and hurt for two weeks afterwards. when he tried suppliments he gained 5kg of belly fat, he got skinny-fat :P.

Here is the part that makes me believe in successful target marketing:
-I feel too skinny (also get people telling me this all the time).
-Sorta jealous of fitter friends, i dont actually have that many buff friends, but siblings of my housemates and their friends are pretty buff, although i make no secret of being jealous of their physic.
-t-shirt and changeroom embarasment -yes and no, im getting over it.
-a flatmate left a fitness magazine (mens health) on my bed last christmas (a year ago one).
-I go to the gym for a bit over 2 hrs 3 times a week - i dont feel sore for 2 weeks afterwards tho, I can bench 70kg now. GO ME! (thats almost double what i started on 4-5 months ago)
-I was skinny fat before i started goin to the gym. all my weight was on my stomach/chest/legs as fat, with gimp-skinny arms.

So perfectly targeted was that campeign. Do i be all inwardly focused and say it was exactly targeted to me, or that i must be a cliche. Or outwardly focused and say: It is a common male body image thing.

I think the later.

I am making good progress on improving my physic. But on the other not-NY resolutions, im not as sure.

For christmas day, my sister had it at her house. I brought: choc-ripple cake, pumpkin pie, ginger and coffee cake, 2 bottles of dessert wine. I helped mom and dad pack the car, make some of the salads they brought. I spent the day collected plates and making drinks for people, ensuring as best i could that everyone was comfortable, except...

about halfway through the day, my aunti wanted a drink, and i was like, nah... cant be bothered getting people drinks anymore. I picked on my brother for his shorts being too tight because he has gained a bit of weight lately. Picked on my eldest sister because she was a little grumpy after working night shifts all week.

I think it only counts as a half win: more friendly and kind - still needs work.

Being outgoing: failcake over the NY holiday i went on with my flatmates and some of their friends. There were maybe 15 people. Guess what, me and one other guy (who only stayed one night) were the only two people there not in a relationship or there with a partner. There were 5 couples, one soon to be couple (who were told off for hooking up in the room where most people where meant to be sleeping), one who was in a couple although the partner wasnt there.

I was not happy nor in a good mood. I went down a day late. Every day we were there i started by getting up before everyone else and going for a couple hours drive by myself on my (shiny pretty awesome great cool) motorbike (except the last day). Then i sorta semi-sulked until dinner time. I went to macas for food instead of eating with them, and then played drinking games sparingly, and went off by myself to read mid-game.

the second last day alot of the people i didnt really know left. I left also, but got halfway home, couldnt decide if i wanted to meet up with my brother and his friends to go to the beach, or ring up my eldest sister to play guitar hero in the evening with, then decided i would go back to the holiday. I went back because: I just didnt want to do anything, but the thought of being home alone was unbearable. The thought of hanging out with my brother and his friends was terrible also, they are fun to hang out with, but i felt like such a loser, it was like: I couldn't stand the company of my own friends so i was going to go hang out with my brothers friends.

I almost felt like crying on the way back to the holiday, not really because i was sad, but at how the indecision of it had paralized me. The option "to do nothing" was as terrible as all others. I couldnt choose or not choose. and at the same time i was affraid after the current down mood had left me, i would regret the lost opitunity to hang out with my friends. That my mood was making me "cut my own nose off to spite my face".

Anyway thats why i feel it was a failcake. Although there were fun parts.

Its probably that the bad food, and the lack of exersize over the christmas/NY period came out as a very emo behaviour pattern over NY's holiday.

I think I shall rename my six-month plan (because its just about six months since it started and while there has been good progress its not finished) into "Paladin".

I have begun to play my life like an RPG. There are quests and sidequests, inventory and instances.

Current Main Quest: Paladin
subgoals: finish masters, get in shape, more confident, kind and considerate, more outgoing
Rewards: Increase level (ie become a better person)

Side Quests:
be good at squash: reward - fitness and confidence levels go up
be more slurry: reward - confidence and outgoing go up, penalty: reputation goes down
make friends with adric again: reward - be adrics friend again, outgoing goes up?
(Background to this is one of my best friends from early undergraduate "friend brokeup" with me and wouldnt talk to me anymore, although now is willing to at least chat at parties when we meet)

Current equiped items: Motorbike (the awesome), clothes etc

Recent Instances:
Christmas day (silver pass, reward: to paladin main quest: kind and considerate up 1/2.)
NY holiday (failed)
Dougherties Gym boxing day (bronze pass(i gave up halfway through routine i had chosen), reward: to paladin main quest: fitness up a bit)

I even got some items to equip from christmas instance that may help me in side quest: be more slurry. (my sister bought me cologne) :p

I suppose the only thing wrong with this (besides being nerdy, ill defined and probably a waste of time) is that it may appear to cheapen my behaviour, i may seem very cavalier or even insincere in my approach to situations and people. "Its all just some sort of game..."

oh well. I try to be honest, but what honest is changes depending on my mood, and normaly i dislike disclosing the truth of my feelings, so i convolute them, so they are not lies, but misleading. I dont *exactly* do it on purpose.