Complicated Much?

I think I live for struggle, but with double think in play.

Now to explain. My life is going pretty sweet at the moment, Im very happy about this.
- I have work everyday this weekend
- My bills are paid for until after christmas
- I have a job interview on monday
- I sparred at boxing on monday past (I know I have mentioned this alot)
- Got hickies (was on my to-do list)
- Saw a movie for free on monday
- Had an excellent week for sports last week (won against a good player in squash who i hadn't won against before, won at field hockey, did well at boxing (the instructor said), managed to do two hours of gym mon/wed/fri, rode in to uni tue/thur via a 20ish k route, 500m in the pool after the ride etc)
- Finished two abstract submissions for a conference next year
- Found my accelerometer and gyroscope based estimation of a signal in my experiments correlate well
- Enjoyed working on the yarra cruise boat as a bar tender

the list goes on and on...

Now heres some other things I've done:

- I was chatting to my friend who is doing a PhD in psychology, and was saying I think it would be interesting to be the abused person in an abusive relationship to see what it is like. She said I'm an idiot. But it interests me and i feel that it would be the only way to experiance it.

- I was sitting on the couch with a flatmate, and we were sitting closer than we normally do and i could see his face close up and was wondering what my face looks like from that distance, and that reminded me that no matter what i do, i will never experiance who I am from an external perspective. Except perhaps if i try some dissociative drugs (mostly i think these are illigal, so thats a big negative to trying, but also dangerous, hard to come by and not cheap), but even then it is just an experiance of perceptual variation.

- Got sad that I had to resort to government handout for money when I went to the free employment agency that lined up the interview for monday (although I havent recieved any payments yet), because i felt it made me a bum who had wasted my degrees/ I'm too good (embalished conciet for examplory effect :p)/shouldn't have to resort to that etc.

- After I got all proud of the fact I got hickies, I first thought it meant I was really good, drove them to intense passion etc. Later I wondered if it wasnt more like they were trying to make it more intense for themselves. Hard to explain my idea here, but it goes along with like "trying to entice more emotive response from your partner by increasing the intensity of the sensation of touch." They gave me a hickie to try to increase my response because pleasing your partner can be intensly satisfying and they felt I wasnt engaging enough.

I supose im trying to demonstrate my overthinking of situations. And from that, I beleive I overthink things until I percieve the situation as involving struggle, that I need to believe my accomplishments are more meaningful because I overcame some (self imagined) barrier. Or I'm too pesimistic and I feel that any situation that seems all good is too "story book" and I don't beleive I'm objectively veiwing a situation until i can see negatives in it.

I had a teacher in high school say to me "You're only happy when you're depressed". I believe its more: I like imagined struggles because it makes me feel successful.

Anyway, I'm not sad about this, I think it makes things more interesting if it is the case, however at some point it may become a hinderence. But c'est la vie.