Expect too much, receive too little...

High expectations are easy to disappoint, low expectations are often pleasently surprised. Emo warning on this post

Recently I have been wondering if I place unreasonably high emotional expectations on my relationships with my friends. If I don't see a friend for a while, or if when we do catch up there isn't an interesting DnM with lots of personal detial, I feel like we mustn't be that good friends anymore. Sometimes, I get bored/frustrated with the same-ness of catching up with friends I have been friends with a wihle, as though we should be continuing to develope a deeper friendship but instead have plateued at a certain level.

For a while I wondered if this meant that I was just not as deep as other people who have bff's from when they were 6 etc. That somehow I was incapable of making a lifelong connection like that. Or that I am a somewhat boring person (still possible), like a secondary character in a fictional work, used to imply more substance to the life of another person by suggesting connections outside those presented explicitly in the main narrative of their story(life).

But having encountered the how-i-met-your-mother classification of a "woo-girl" and seeing that alot of the people who are bff's seem somewhat "woo-eee", I wonder if I over analyse situations and people. I feel maybe I expect too much. There are some friends of mine who's bestie, when I see them together, seem to have very little in common past the willingness to hang out with each other, and to get drunk together and don't seem to talk that much. But maybe that is the crux of it, a willingness to make time for each other and an enjoyment of each others company. Maybe it doesn't need to be a wirlwind adventure involving time travel/ space ships/ dimensional tears and life-death situations.

Double-think is the conscious decision to unconsciously perform self-deception, imho. I believe manners and socail etiquet employs double think in a clear and transparent way to smooth social interactions between people. Its an acceptable way to say "I don't know you but I may want to.." or "well thanks for that conversation but I am now bored so I am going over there to talk to those people". It requires both the conscious ability to decript the implied meaning, and the unconscious mind to employ it in a sincere and believable manner. Maybe friendships are like that... you both agree to believe you're extremely close, when in *reality* niether of you catch up very often.

Maybe this is an example of my excessive expectation. Who can claim "in reality" when reality is defined by the observer? If your feelings are based on your perception, both take place in the subjective truth of your own existance, so does it matter what external "truths" are observed about it? No, thats why i believe double-think is required. If you believe it, then it is true.

But self deception is not double-think. You must also acknowledge the deception to yourself while still believing it. I dont know where Im going with this, but the end point was supposed to be something along the lines of: Most people have a few "good friends" or a "best friend" who is not their partner, yet often they would choose to hang out with their partner over these others, so they prioritise their partners over their friends, which I *know* is the right thing, but I have trouble believing, when i get stood up for coffee catchups etc, which is why i believe i have excessive expectations on my relationships. I think it boils down to a difficulty accepting that even though you might be very good friends, there are still other priorities that take precedence, and although that is true, it doesn't deminish the friendship as a whole.

Emo-out.