Wondering if I think correctly

So I went to the doctor to try and get him to prescibe a mild stimulant drug for my daytime fatigue (caused by my sleep aopnea). The one i researched was supposed to be a mild one, similar to drinking a few coffee's but without the jitters, and not a derivitive of amphetamine, so no addictive properties. He said no. His reasons were ok-ish - "not familiar enough with the drug to be comfortable perscribing it". Ok, so what does he do instead. Gives me oxazepam "for stress" so i sleep better and am less fatigued. It is a derivitive of diazepam.

So instead of a mild, non-addictive, stimulant to keep me focused and productive on my research, he gives me a sedative, with addictive properties and the "mild" side effect of cognitive impairment and possible short term memory developement impairment. Yay. Also its a type of benzodiazepine, also known as benzo, a drug with some fairly common ascosiations with recreational use. Yay (sarcastic).

So I took one last night. Didnt notice any effects, but today I did notice something... IM MORE TIRED!! damn doctor.

Ok, so now im tired, walking into city, see "Off ya tree", am early to see prometheus (highly overrated btw) and im come accross "pure bliss, party pills". Supposedly a stimulant that mimics ecstacy. Expensive, but i decide to try it (since it is legal in australia).

Buy it, of the ingrediants i recognize, it seems to be mostly anhydrous caffiene. I take it, I dont feel energetic, instead I feel like i have taken psudophed... stupid drugs. one ingrediant, apparently, "pelargonium graveolens extract" is *probably* a type of DMAA (Methylhexaneamine). It has lots of ascosiated effects, but one is supposed to be stimulant.

Anyway, its not that it feels bad, but it supposedly gives a "euphoric" experiance (although online alot of people report feeling sick, but i didnt and i took it 3 hours ago) but instead it gives me a strange sensation that i used to get alot (and can still get occasionally) where every part of me feels disproportionate. (Explanation, i used to feel like this when i was lying in bed, and it felt as if my feet and hands where huge and really close to my head, while my body felt like it curved out a long way away from me, like the letter c if my head and hands were at the limits of the curve, although i was laying flat on my back, and i would get a type of tunnel vision, like a telephoto lense shot in a movie. But i used to put myself into this feeling, by focussing my vision on a certian point and thinking about certain things. It still can happen, but most often when i am on a computer. The screen and keyboard seem really close to my face while the rest of me seems really far away. But these days i believe this sensation is usually caused by too many coffees) So i wonder if my expectation of "euphoria" was wrong. What i would like is a bouyant sense of mood that is like being very happy, but not ascosiated with any external or internal object or thought.

Anyway that brings me to the "do i think correctly?" because, if my ascosiation of experiance is so different as to result in a completely alien expectation of a situation, then am i not completely different in my experiancing the world? (wow, convoluted sentance). Do i need to reevaluate the way i percieve the world, to realign my thought process with everyone else? (and before you say this is a weird thought brought about by drugs, umm, its not, although i cannot give a definitive arguement to the contrary).

This, as always, drags my thoughts back to one final rhetoric question/answer. if i cant understand other people, can i ever fit in? If i cant fit in, will i ever be content? what is the point of trying to live your life if you dont enjoy it? (is it an innate property of me that means i dont? if it is, does that mean i cant?) (took an emo turn there. not to fear, im not feeling emo today. it's just my logical conclusion to the train of thought, not reflective of my mood)