Wondering if I think correctly

So I went to the doctor to try and get him to prescibe a mild stimulant drug for my daytime fatigue (caused by my sleep aopnea). The one i researched was supposed to be a mild one, similar to drinking a few coffee's but without the jitters, and not a derivitive of amphetamine, so no addictive properties. He said no. His reasons were ok-ish - "not familiar enough with the drug to be comfortable perscribing it". Ok, so what does he do instead. Gives me oxazepam "for stress" so i sleep better and am less fatigued. It is a derivitive of diazepam.

So instead of a mild, non-addictive, stimulant to keep me focused and productive on my research, he gives me a sedative, with addictive properties and the "mild" side effect of cognitive impairment and possible short term memory developement impairment. Yay. Also its a type of benzodiazepine, also known as benzo, a drug with some fairly common ascosiations with recreational use. Yay (sarcastic).

So I took one last night. Didnt notice any effects, but today I did notice something... IM MORE TIRED!! damn doctor.

Ok, so now im tired, walking into city, see "Off ya tree", am early to see prometheus (highly overrated btw) and im come accross "pure bliss, party pills". Supposedly a stimulant that mimics ecstacy. Expensive, but i decide to try it (since it is legal in australia).

Buy it, of the ingrediants i recognize, it seems to be mostly anhydrous caffiene. I take it, I dont feel energetic, instead I feel like i have taken psudophed... stupid drugs. one ingrediant, apparently, "pelargonium graveolens extract" is *probably* a type of DMAA (Methylhexaneamine). It has lots of ascosiated effects, but one is supposed to be stimulant.

Anyway, its not that it feels bad, but it supposedly gives a "euphoric" experiance (although online alot of people report feeling sick, but i didnt and i took it 3 hours ago) but instead it gives me a strange sensation that i used to get alot (and can still get occasionally) where every part of me feels disproportionate. (Explanation, i used to feel like this when i was lying in bed, and it felt as if my feet and hands where huge and really close to my head, while my body felt like it curved out a long way away from me, like the letter c if my head and hands were at the limits of the curve, although i was laying flat on my back, and i would get a type of tunnel vision, like a telephoto lense shot in a movie. But i used to put myself into this feeling, by focussing my vision on a certian point and thinking about certain things. It still can happen, but most often when i am on a computer. The screen and keyboard seem really close to my face while the rest of me seems really far away. But these days i believe this sensation is usually caused by too many coffees) So i wonder if my expectation of "euphoria" was wrong. What i would like is a bouyant sense of mood that is like being very happy, but not ascosiated with any external or internal object or thought.

Anyway that brings me to the "do i think correctly?" because, if my ascosiation of experiance is so different as to result in a completely alien expectation of a situation, then am i not completely different in my experiancing the world? (wow, convoluted sentance). Do i need to reevaluate the way i percieve the world, to realign my thought process with everyone else? (and before you say this is a weird thought brought about by drugs, umm, its not, although i cannot give a definitive arguement to the contrary).

This, as always, drags my thoughts back to one final rhetoric question/answer. if i cant understand other people, can i ever fit in? If i cant fit in, will i ever be content? what is the point of trying to live your life if you dont enjoy it? (is it an innate property of me that means i dont? if it is, does that mean i cant?) (took an emo turn there. not to fear, im not feeling emo today. it's just my logical conclusion to the train of thought, not reflective of my mood)

Stupid question.

Went away this weekend. An aquantance there asked me, "so why dont you have a girlfriend?". Therefore being in a relationship is simply a conscious choice is it? I think it was a stupid question.

Broken in the head.

So this one may be a bit difficult to phrase, was thinking about it on the way into work this morning.

Some background: In my undergraduate course on archaeology, I did a subject in which we were told Romans believed in a kind of dichotomy of sexual relations, by that I mean there were two roles, kind of opposite but complimentary, of passive and active. This covered all concievable configurations they believed could be counted as sex, ie: woman-man and man-man (apparently girls cant "give" sex, only "recieve" therefore the term passive and active).

Ok so the Roman dichotomy is not that nice or well thought out in my opinion because it is too embedded in physicallity and patriachal preconception. But, if I were to say, rather than it being a predictive theory, but more a framework to capture "average" behavior, i would modify it a bit and accept it as almost reasonable. Instead of active and passive, i would have proactive and reactive. I wouldn't limit the action/interaction to physicallity either, but have an aspect of social interaction as well.

To explain: It seems like some people are driven by desires, and others just enjoy thier desires. So taking the female-male element from the roman dichotomy idea, the guy is active because he is (essentailly) the one doing the penetration. But the proactive/reactive part, its more like the one who is driven more (may be the guy or the girl) is reacting to the other person more, while the other person who is more relaxed about the situation is proactive. This is because the person who is driven is less in control of their choice of behavior, its a reaction to circumstance. While the other person is choosing to do something they enjoy, therefore creating circumstance (ie pro - before). There are many different actual positions and rewards(ie. enjoy them enjoying it / enjoy the physical/ enjoy the attention) from/of the activity, but the positions are less important than the motivatinos for the reward on the role the pro/re takes. Which is something the Roman dichotomy doesnt really seem to include.

So when you like someone and they dont like you back, but you have difficulty moving on, it makes your behaviour reactive to the circumstance. Maybe this is not a bad thing, but i personaly dont like loosing the ability to make my own decissions, I hate behing a slave to desire, it seems to enfeeble you, and hence reduce your value. Someone who is able to shift their crush easily after discovering it is unrequited is much more proactive. This example highlights that being proactive reactive in a relationship is relationship dependant more than individual dependant. Although I could also see individuals trending towards one role more often in their relationships.

Anyway, this idea was what i came up with to answer a question i have about myself in relation to behaviour i have noticed myself exhibiting. When someone likes me, yet i dont show any interest in them, part of me is less interested, because its like they are less in control of themselves and i value self control / relisation. When i like someone who doesnt like me back, it makes me feel like i have acknowledged their superiority, and therefore lowered my own value in comparison, at which point the only way to gain equivilance again is for them to be smitten in return. But if life is about maximising value (everyone likes to think they are getting the better deal) then this explains why i have a tendency to shy away from realisable relationships, and pine after impossible ones. Either that or its one of the cliches: chip on shoulder / wanting what we cant have / low self esteem / fear of commitment.

Anyway, what bought about this train of thought? Episode of shameless UK, Liam says something along the lines of:

Whats the point of all the lying and difficulty in getting and keeping a relationship? so you've got someone to keep you warm at night? doesnt seem worth it, you can always keep yourself warm, like carl does every night when he thinks ive fallen asleep.

And then when i got into bed i was like, well it cant be that difficult, difficult is splitting the atom, going to the moon, etc. having a relationship is done by nearly everyone on the planet, it must be difficult like breathing, or pumping blood around the body. That is to say complex but mostly autonomic. Therefore there must be something incorrect about my autonomic system. Therefore what is the sysmptoms, therefore ... see above. :p