Expect too much, receive too little...

High expectations are easy to disappoint, low expectations are often pleasently surprised. Emo warning on this post

Recently I have been wondering if I place unreasonably high emotional expectations on my relationships with my friends. If I don't see a friend for a while, or if when we do catch up there isn't an interesting DnM with lots of personal detial, I feel like we mustn't be that good friends anymore. Sometimes, I get bored/frustrated with the same-ness of catching up with friends I have been friends with a wihle, as though we should be continuing to develope a deeper friendship but instead have plateued at a certain level.

For a while I wondered if this meant that I was just not as deep as other people who have bff's from when they were 6 etc. That somehow I was incapable of making a lifelong connection like that. Or that I am a somewhat boring person (still possible), like a secondary character in a fictional work, used to imply more substance to the life of another person by suggesting connections outside those presented explicitly in the main narrative of their story(life).

But having encountered the how-i-met-your-mother classification of a "woo-girl" and seeing that alot of the people who are bff's seem somewhat "woo-eee", I wonder if I over analyse situations and people. I feel maybe I expect too much. There are some friends of mine who's bestie, when I see them together, seem to have very little in common past the willingness to hang out with each other, and to get drunk together and don't seem to talk that much. But maybe that is the crux of it, a willingness to make time for each other and an enjoyment of each others company. Maybe it doesn't need to be a wirlwind adventure involving time travel/ space ships/ dimensional tears and life-death situations.

Double-think is the conscious decision to unconsciously perform self-deception, imho. I believe manners and socail etiquet employs double think in a clear and transparent way to smooth social interactions between people. Its an acceptable way to say "I don't know you but I may want to.." or "well thanks for that conversation but I am now bored so I am going over there to talk to those people". It requires both the conscious ability to decript the implied meaning, and the unconscious mind to employ it in a sincere and believable manner. Maybe friendships are like that... you both agree to believe you're extremely close, when in *reality* niether of you catch up very often.

Maybe this is an example of my excessive expectation. Who can claim "in reality" when reality is defined by the observer? If your feelings are based on your perception, both take place in the subjective truth of your own existance, so does it matter what external "truths" are observed about it? No, thats why i believe double-think is required. If you believe it, then it is true.

But self deception is not double-think. You must also acknowledge the deception to yourself while still believing it. I dont know where Im going with this, but the end point was supposed to be something along the lines of: Most people have a few "good friends" or a "best friend" who is not their partner, yet often they would choose to hang out with their partner over these others, so they prioritise their partners over their friends, which I *know* is the right thing, but I have trouble believing, when i get stood up for coffee catchups etc, which is why i believe i have excessive expectations on my relationships. I think it boils down to a difficulty accepting that even though you might be very good friends, there are still other priorities that take precedence, and although that is true, it doesn't deminish the friendship as a whole.

Emo-out.

Dear snake, did you try to eat me?

On my push bike ride home from my parents I rode past a snake on the road. As I was riding towards it I was thinking "Damn, that stick looks alot like a snake."

As I was riding past it, a car drove past it/ overtook me, and the snake jumped towards me/away from the car. I can't decide if the snake was trying to get out of the way of the car or trying to strike at me.

I do know its bad to ride over a snake as they can get caught in your wheels and bite you multiple times.

Around the bay, a follow up

So I bit the bullet and called my mate to see if i could join them at the start of the around the bay. Turns out he had other stuff on so wasnt going anymore, but i met up with his friends and rode till about brighton with them, when something fell off my bike and i needed to fix so i let them haed off without me (i was already falling behind them at this point anyway).

I didnt end up doing the entire thing (I was too tired and too slow). But at least I did a bit. The people on the ride, a couple complimented me on trying to do it on a mountainbike. At the start one lady said I was doing well keeping up with them all, later one lady said i would fly along if i had a proper bike. Some people made fun of me, one guy asked if it was my knees or my bike creaking like that. But it was all in good jest.

I dont really feel like i failed, since its just the start of my training to do the Great Vic Bike ride, but it would have been nice to get the whole thing done. Next year.

Also when i was chatting to my mum, i mentioned i didnt want to ask if i could join in, and she more or less told me off. She said i had to get over fears of being rejected or looking silly, since everyone has them if they are honest with themselves, or i will miss out on life. V. annoying lifetime channel stuff imho. Although i did meet a 50yo who seemed to have body image issues, and i was like, damn! if im that old and still concerned about that sort of immature stuff, imagine how limited my life would be, how long i have spent in first gear... horrible.

Around the bay in a day.

This Sunday is the Bupa around the bay in a day bicycle ride. It can be a ride between 50-250 kilometers. Only the 210k and the 250k actually go around the entire bay, the others go part way and stop or turn back on themselves. The map is here.

Since I am doing the Great Vic bike ride in late November, I am thinking that this may be a good practice/warm up. The event organisers who run the Great vic also run the Bupa, and they suggest doing both (they are also the ones who sell the tickets...)

I have an ex-flatmate, still friend (kinda) who is doing the Bupa, not ligit, just going to ride with them. And he brought this up at squash the other day, and i asked him who he is going with, and he said some friends of his.

I was sorta thinking about going, but I hadnt looked up when it was, and the weather is going to be nice on sunday. If I did a dodgy and just rode the track without buying a ticket, that would be the financial aspect covered. However, i feel a little awckward inviting myself along with my friend. Him and I dont talk much anymore, there isnt any bad blood, i just dont feel comfortable around him anymore (and im not a fan of his other cycling buddies). He brought it up, so that could have been like a psudo invite, but on the other hand he didnt actually ask if i wanted to come along, and he often mentions stuff that he is doing with other friends of his that he doesnt want ppl tagging along to.

The long and short of it is, i dont feel comfortable going along to it because him and his mates are going to be doing it, and I dont want to be like "Oh, can i come too?" I hate asking that, its like one, they cant really say no for no reason so it puts them on the spot, and two, makes me feel pathetic that im not fun enough company to be invited in the first place. But i think i really would like to go...

Another thing is i dont think i would like to start "tagging along" with the actual ticket holders without some mates around to blend into a group so i dont stand out as a scumming freeloader so much.

Also if i do go, i will need: sunscreen, water, some snacks for if i get hungry, some spare cash, my phone, a spare tyre, a pump and a couple of screwdrivers/tyre levers for changing tyre, sunnies, musicplayer (250ks will get tedious without it)

Maybe i will bite the bullet, swollow my pride (which is not a euphamism like i believe it is in "only girl in the world". seriously the lyrics go: "I wanna make your bed for ya, then imma make you swallow your pride" which isnt AS bad as i thought, i misheard them as "I wanna make you a bad boy, then imma make you swallow your pride" which i think implies a snowblow :p, but the bed lyric still works for that, albiet a BIG stretch) and just ask "can i come 2?" so that i have some ppl to hang with for the first little bit, then cos they are more cycly then me, they'll power on ahead and i can spend most of the way on my own, as it should be...