I have been living in a fog for the last month. I keep putting off important things in order to do other stuff. Such as puttin off study to go to the gym, but not actually putting enough effort in to get results. So i spend time and dont feel like i have used my time effectively. I have decided this is because i dont focus on the present enough. If you focus on the present, put in effort to engage and remember people around you or the situation your in, it fixes better in your memory. Then you feel like you have a more interesting and rewarding life, although you probably wont be doing anything more than the usual stuff u do.
By phone in a cafe waiting for working with kids check interview time
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Life is like an exponential distribution (dont eat the coconut one).
I has a theory, like all great theories its most likely shown to be a pile of crap in the face of reality, but for some time i have been sorta working at it in the back of my head.
If something happens, its more likely that something else will happen around the same time.
There must be a reset somewhere in the universe that says, ok today is zero time, now events are likely to happen in accordance to the Exponential distribution.
To see what that is look here:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Exponential_distribution
So to explain, have you ever noticed that one weekend there will be nothing to do, then during the week, you will get 3 or 4 invites for something the following weekend, all to be held at the same time?
Or, for example this is what happened today, you will go weeks without an unsolicited "wana catch up call" from an old friend, only to get two in one day?
So an exponential distribution has that an event is more likely to occure at the start. For example, the number of coin tosses to get the first head: 1/2 that it is at 1, 1/4 that it is at 2 (its 1/2*1/2 because you stop if you got it at 1), 1/8 that it is at 3 (its 1/2*1/4 because you stop if you got 1 or 2), 1/16 that it is at 4 etc.
So some universal reset occurs, then its more likely something will happen, but these "somethings" are all more likely, so hence you get a higher probability density of a lot of things occuring at the same time just after these universal resets.
Another way to look at it may be that the underlying cause of these apparently independant events is correlated. So everyone is bored from not doing anything on weekend 1, hence they all seperately decide to host something, hence weekend 2 is crammed full of events...
Its a work in progress. (I sometimes think it works for bad luck also, like stubbing your toe, then getting a parking fine, then getting a hair in your dinner, all in the one day)
If something happens, its more likely that something else will happen around the same time.
There must be a reset somewhere in the universe that says, ok today is zero time, now events are likely to happen in accordance to the Exponential distribution.
To see what that is look here:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Exponential_distribution
So to explain, have you ever noticed that one weekend there will be nothing to do, then during the week, you will get 3 or 4 invites for something the following weekend, all to be held at the same time?
Or, for example this is what happened today, you will go weeks without an unsolicited "wana catch up call" from an old friend, only to get two in one day?
So an exponential distribution has that an event is more likely to occure at the start. For example, the number of coin tosses to get the first head: 1/2 that it is at 1, 1/4 that it is at 2 (its 1/2*1/2 because you stop if you got it at 1), 1/8 that it is at 3 (its 1/2*1/4 because you stop if you got 1 or 2), 1/16 that it is at 4 etc.
So some universal reset occurs, then its more likely something will happen, but these "somethings" are all more likely, so hence you get a higher probability density of a lot of things occuring at the same time just after these universal resets.
Another way to look at it may be that the underlying cause of these apparently independant events is correlated. So everyone is bored from not doing anything on weekend 1, hence they all seperately decide to host something, hence weekend 2 is crammed full of events...
Its a work in progress. (I sometimes think it works for bad luck also, like stubbing your toe, then getting a parking fine, then getting a hair in your dinner, all in the one day)
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Communal Showering
I can now say i have used a communal shower (this is part of my increasing body confidence side quest, be more comfortable about being naked around people).
In the last month i have used a communal shower 4 times, twice where i play squash and twice at the 24 hr gym in the cbd. The first three dont really count since there was noone else in the changerooms when i did, the last time (monday) there were.
So I had just finished working out for about 2 hours, and i thought to myself, may as well just get used to it and use the communal shower, because i normally go home to shower when i go to that gym because it only has communal showers and its a gym targeted to professional body builders so the changerooms can be very intimidating. So i used them, and wandered back to my stuff starkers.
Actually wasnt either liberating or uncomfortable, it was like: "yes i am naked, no noone else cares, and i dont really either".
I followed the rules though (these are rules i made up myself):
1. Dont start up conversations with strangers while you or they are getting changed. Its ok to chat to people you already know except when it breaks rule 2.
2. Dont talk to anyone while you are naked, you should be concentrating on putting on pants. Dont talk to anyone who is naked, they should be concentrating on putting on pants.
3. Dont make eye contact with naked people or while naked, its not polite :p.
4. Dont watch people who are getting changed (this sounds pretty gay. But i mean it as a comparison thing: who has a better body, what shape is their body, what exersises did you see them do in the gym, should you do the same sort of exersises to achieve similar results? I learn by observation alot of the time)
However i have heard (from a friend who frequents that gym alot and from my flatmates) that many people consider walking around naked a Don't Do Rule. They say people shouldn't walk around naked in a change room, they should have a towel or underwear on. I see their point, it is awkward alot of the time, but i also see the point of: this gyms comunal shower has no hooks near it for your towels, so you need to leave your towel with your stuff and walk to the shower, then from it back to your stuff. Then you dry yourself and get dressed. Its not that long of being naked. Its not like wandering back and forth to the mirror and stuff while naked, and its not like the private cubicle showers in my normal gym, where there is space to hang up clothes/towel so you can shower and then cover yourself before going back to your items. Anyway, its a change room. Unless you want to do that awkward thing with the towel around your waist (annoying and sorta a bit silly as in a single gender changeroom, everyone has already seen it before) your going to be naked at some point. Hence i dont include it as an explicit rule.
In the last month i have used a communal shower 4 times, twice where i play squash and twice at the 24 hr gym in the cbd. The first three dont really count since there was noone else in the changerooms when i did, the last time (monday) there were.
So I had just finished working out for about 2 hours, and i thought to myself, may as well just get used to it and use the communal shower, because i normally go home to shower when i go to that gym because it only has communal showers and its a gym targeted to professional body builders so the changerooms can be very intimidating. So i used them, and wandered back to my stuff starkers.
Actually wasnt either liberating or uncomfortable, it was like: "yes i am naked, no noone else cares, and i dont really either".
I followed the rules though (these are rules i made up myself):
1. Dont start up conversations with strangers while you or they are getting changed. Its ok to chat to people you already know except when it breaks rule 2.
2. Dont talk to anyone while you are naked, you should be concentrating on putting on pants. Dont talk to anyone who is naked, they should be concentrating on putting on pants.
3. Dont make eye contact with naked people or while naked, its not polite :p.
4. Dont watch people who are getting changed (this sounds pretty gay. But i mean it as a comparison thing: who has a better body, what shape is their body, what exersises did you see them do in the gym, should you do the same sort of exersises to achieve similar results? I learn by observation alot of the time)
However i have heard (from a friend who frequents that gym alot and from my flatmates) that many people consider walking around naked a Don't Do Rule. They say people shouldn't walk around naked in a change room, they should have a towel or underwear on. I see their point, it is awkward alot of the time, but i also see the point of: this gyms comunal shower has no hooks near it for your towels, so you need to leave your towel with your stuff and walk to the shower, then from it back to your stuff. Then you dry yourself and get dressed. Its not that long of being naked. Its not like wandering back and forth to the mirror and stuff while naked, and its not like the private cubicle showers in my normal gym, where there is space to hang up clothes/towel so you can shower and then cover yourself before going back to your items. Anyway, its a change room. Unless you want to do that awkward thing with the towel around your waist (annoying and sorta a bit silly as in a single gender changeroom, everyone has already seen it before) your going to be naked at some point. Hence i dont include it as an explicit rule.
Monday, January 3, 2011
Paladin
Paladin:
"The paladins, sometimes known as the Twelve Peers, were the foremost warriors of Charlemagne's court, according to the literary cycle known as the Matter of France.
...
In the 20th century the popular role-playing game Dungeons & Dragons featured a character class called the paladin, inspired by the Charlemagne stories.[8] Many later games have followed suit depicting the paladin as a holy knight and paragon of virtue and goodness" c/o wiki
"1. any one of the 12 legendary peers or knightly champions in attendance on Charlemagne.
2. any knightly or heroic champion.
3. any determined advocate or defender of a noble cause. " c/o dictionary.com
Someone in my office pointed out that a paladin needs to be virtuous, another person commented that they need to be self-sacraficing.
I wonder if you can train yourself to be virtuous and self sacraficing? And isnt that in contradiction of the ability to fight well? virtuous to me implies non-violent, and self sacraficing means to place others needs before your own, so instead of violence, you should be going out of your way to ensure everyone has everything they want so they wont fight and you wont need to defend them. :p
Fodder says being self sacraficing is not necissarily a good thing. Im not sure of that. I know being too self sacrificing can lead to people walking all over you, but not always. Upstanding and virtuous, you could tell people no because you are not promoting self sufficiency if you always give them what they want. If you get a thrill from doing things for other, refusing your help to increase their independance is a self sacrifice.
Anyway, i still think a palidin is a good class to strive for, despite the vituouosity sounding a bit stuffy and boring. :p
"The paladins, sometimes known as the Twelve Peers, were the foremost warriors of Charlemagne's court, according to the literary cycle known as the Matter of France.
...
In the 20th century the popular role-playing game Dungeons & Dragons featured a character class called the paladin, inspired by the Charlemagne stories.[8] Many later games have followed suit depicting the paladin as a holy knight and paragon of virtue and goodness" c/o wiki
"1. any one of the 12 legendary peers or knightly champions in attendance on Charlemagne.
2. any knightly or heroic champion.
3. any determined advocate or defender of a noble cause. " c/o dictionary.com
Someone in my office pointed out that a paladin needs to be virtuous, another person commented that they need to be self-sacraficing.
I wonder if you can train yourself to be virtuous and self sacraficing? And isnt that in contradiction of the ability to fight well? virtuous to me implies non-violent, and self sacraficing means to place others needs before your own, so instead of violence, you should be going out of your way to ensure everyone has everything they want so they wont fight and you wont need to defend them. :p
Fodder says being self sacraficing is not necissarily a good thing. Im not sure of that. I know being too self sacrificing can lead to people walking all over you, but not always. Upstanding and virtuous, you could tell people no because you are not promoting self sufficiency if you always give them what they want. If you get a thrill from doing things for other, refusing your help to increase their independance is a self sacrifice.
Anyway, i still think a palidin is a good class to strive for, despite the vituouosity sounding a bit stuffy and boring. :p
Sunday, January 2, 2011
New years resolution
I do not have a new years resolution. I almost never do, but i already had one from june last year, that i am continuing to chase. Get better.
It is an upskilling thing. Bigger stronger body, more confidence, more outgoing, more friendly and kind. Alround paladin goals. (Although i find i enjoy being the support in a game. Is omni a support character?)
I just watched a "skinny guys guide to bodybuilding" video that turned out to be a ten minute intro to a "send me money scheme" (which is what i was expecting it to be).
The five "donts":
1. secret training regimes of bodybuilders will only work if you are already genetically predisposed
2. weightgain suppliments dont work and are marketed by the same companies who produce the weight lifting magazines
3. Steroids work only while taking them and always have potential side effects
4. Long times spent at the gym wont help unless you rest adiquately
5. I forget the fifth one, it was some thing i already knew anyway.
but then he went through how he felt at uni about his body: too skiny, secretly jealous of his fitter friends, never took his t-shirt off because he was embarased by his body, avoided sports because of embarasemtn getting changed in change rooms, his friends tried to help by leaving muscle building magazines on his bed, he went to the gym to do chest workouts for 2 1/2 hours and hurt for two weeks afterwards. when he tried suppliments he gained 5kg of belly fat, he got skinny-fat :P.
Here is the part that makes me believe in successful target marketing:
-I feel too skinny (also get people telling me this all the time).
-Sorta jealous of fitter friends, i dont actually have that many buff friends, but siblings of my housemates and their friends are pretty buff, although i make no secret of being jealous of their physic.
-t-shirt and changeroom embarasment -yes and no, im getting over it.
-a flatmate left a fitness magazine (mens health) on my bed last christmas (a year ago one).
-I go to the gym for a bit over 2 hrs 3 times a week - i dont feel sore for 2 weeks afterwards tho, I can bench 70kg now. GO ME! (thats almost double what i started on 4-5 months ago)
-I was skinny fat before i started goin to the gym. all my weight was on my stomach/chest/legs as fat, with gimp-skinny arms.
So perfectly targeted was that campeign. Do i be all inwardly focused and say it was exactly targeted to me, or that i must be a cliche. Or outwardly focused and say: It is a common male body image thing.
I think the later.
I am making good progress on improving my physic. But on the other not-NY resolutions, im not as sure.
For christmas day, my sister had it at her house. I brought: choc-ripple cake, pumpkin pie, ginger and coffee cake, 2 bottles of dessert wine. I helped mom and dad pack the car, make some of the salads they brought. I spent the day collected plates and making drinks for people, ensuring as best i could that everyone was comfortable, except...
about halfway through the day, my aunti wanted a drink, and i was like, nah... cant be bothered getting people drinks anymore. I picked on my brother for his shorts being too tight because he has gained a bit of weight lately. Picked on my eldest sister because she was a little grumpy after working night shifts all week.
I think it only counts as a half win: more friendly and kind - still needs work.
Being outgoing: failcake over the NY holiday i went on with my flatmates and some of their friends. There were maybe 15 people. Guess what, me and one other guy (who only stayed one night) were the only two people there not in a relationship or there with a partner. There were 5 couples, one soon to be couple (who were told off for hooking up in the room where most people where meant to be sleeping), one who was in a couple although the partner wasnt there.
I was not happy nor in a good mood. I went down a day late. Every day we were there i started by getting up before everyone else and going for a couple hours drive by myself on my (shiny pretty awesome great cool) motorbike (except the last day). Then i sorta semi-sulked until dinner time. I went to macas for food instead of eating with them, and then played drinking games sparingly, and went off by myself to read mid-game.
the second last day alot of the people i didnt really know left. I left also, but got halfway home, couldnt decide if i wanted to meet up with my brother and his friends to go to the beach, or ring up my eldest sister to play guitar hero in the evening with, then decided i would go back to the holiday. I went back because: I just didnt want to do anything, but the thought of being home alone was unbearable. The thought of hanging out with my brother and his friends was terrible also, they are fun to hang out with, but i felt like such a loser, it was like: I couldn't stand the company of my own friends so i was going to go hang out with my brothers friends.
I almost felt like crying on the way back to the holiday, not really because i was sad, but at how the indecision of it had paralized me. The option "to do nothing" was as terrible as all others. I couldnt choose or not choose. and at the same time i was affraid after the current down mood had left me, i would regret the lost opitunity to hang out with my friends. That my mood was making me "cut my own nose off to spite my face".
Anyway thats why i feel it was a failcake. Although there were fun parts.
Its probably that the bad food, and the lack of exersize over the christmas/NY period came out as a very emo behaviour pattern over NY's holiday.
I think I shall rename my six-month plan (because its just about six months since it started and while there has been good progress its not finished) into "Paladin".
I have begun to play my life like an RPG. There are quests and sidequests, inventory and instances.
Current Main Quest: Paladin
subgoals: finish masters, get in shape, more confident, kind and considerate, more outgoing
Rewards: Increase level (ie become a better person)
Side Quests:
be good at squash: reward - fitness and confidence levels go up
be more slurry: reward - confidence and outgoing go up, penalty: reputation goes down
make friends with adric again: reward - be adrics friend again, outgoing goes up?
(Background to this is one of my best friends from early undergraduate "friend brokeup" with me and wouldnt talk to me anymore, although now is willing to at least chat at parties when we meet)
Current equiped items: Motorbike (the awesome), clothes etc
Recent Instances:
Christmas day (silver pass, reward: to paladin main quest: kind and considerate up 1/2.)
NY holiday (failed)
Dougherties Gym boxing day (bronze pass(i gave up halfway through routine i had chosen), reward: to paladin main quest: fitness up a bit)
I even got some items to equip from christmas instance that may help me in side quest: be more slurry. (my sister bought me cologne) :p
I suppose the only thing wrong with this (besides being nerdy, ill defined and probably a waste of time) is that it may appear to cheapen my behaviour, i may seem very cavalier or even insincere in my approach to situations and people. "Its all just some sort of game..."
oh well. I try to be honest, but what honest is changes depending on my mood, and normaly i dislike disclosing the truth of my feelings, so i convolute them, so they are not lies, but misleading. I dont *exactly* do it on purpose.
It is an upskilling thing. Bigger stronger body, more confidence, more outgoing, more friendly and kind. Alround paladin goals. (Although i find i enjoy being the support in a game. Is omni a support character?)
I just watched a "skinny guys guide to bodybuilding" video that turned out to be a ten minute intro to a "send me money scheme" (which is what i was expecting it to be).
The five "donts":
1. secret training regimes of bodybuilders will only work if you are already genetically predisposed
2. weightgain suppliments dont work and are marketed by the same companies who produce the weight lifting magazines
3. Steroids work only while taking them and always have potential side effects
4. Long times spent at the gym wont help unless you rest adiquately
5. I forget the fifth one, it was some thing i already knew anyway.
but then he went through how he felt at uni about his body: too skiny, secretly jealous of his fitter friends, never took his t-shirt off because he was embarased by his body, avoided sports because of embarasemtn getting changed in change rooms, his friends tried to help by leaving muscle building magazines on his bed, he went to the gym to do chest workouts for 2 1/2 hours and hurt for two weeks afterwards. when he tried suppliments he gained 5kg of belly fat, he got skinny-fat :P.
Here is the part that makes me believe in successful target marketing:
-I feel too skinny (also get people telling me this all the time).
-Sorta jealous of fitter friends, i dont actually have that many buff friends, but siblings of my housemates and their friends are pretty buff, although i make no secret of being jealous of their physic.
-t-shirt and changeroom embarasment -yes and no, im getting over it.
-a flatmate left a fitness magazine (mens health) on my bed last christmas (a year ago one).
-I go to the gym for a bit over 2 hrs 3 times a week - i dont feel sore for 2 weeks afterwards tho, I can bench 70kg now. GO ME! (thats almost double what i started on 4-5 months ago)
-I was skinny fat before i started goin to the gym. all my weight was on my stomach/chest/legs as fat, with gimp-skinny arms.
So perfectly targeted was that campeign. Do i be all inwardly focused and say it was exactly targeted to me, or that i must be a cliche. Or outwardly focused and say: It is a common male body image thing.
I think the later.
I am making good progress on improving my physic. But on the other not-NY resolutions, im not as sure.
For christmas day, my sister had it at her house. I brought: choc-ripple cake, pumpkin pie, ginger and coffee cake, 2 bottles of dessert wine. I helped mom and dad pack the car, make some of the salads they brought. I spent the day collected plates and making drinks for people, ensuring as best i could that everyone was comfortable, except...
about halfway through the day, my aunti wanted a drink, and i was like, nah... cant be bothered getting people drinks anymore. I picked on my brother for his shorts being too tight because he has gained a bit of weight lately. Picked on my eldest sister because she was a little grumpy after working night shifts all week.
I think it only counts as a half win: more friendly and kind - still needs work.
Being outgoing: failcake over the NY holiday i went on with my flatmates and some of their friends. There were maybe 15 people. Guess what, me and one other guy (who only stayed one night) were the only two people there not in a relationship or there with a partner. There were 5 couples, one soon to be couple (who were told off for hooking up in the room where most people where meant to be sleeping), one who was in a couple although the partner wasnt there.
I was not happy nor in a good mood. I went down a day late. Every day we were there i started by getting up before everyone else and going for a couple hours drive by myself on my (shiny pretty awesome great cool) motorbike (except the last day). Then i sorta semi-sulked until dinner time. I went to macas for food instead of eating with them, and then played drinking games sparingly, and went off by myself to read mid-game.
the second last day alot of the people i didnt really know left. I left also, but got halfway home, couldnt decide if i wanted to meet up with my brother and his friends to go to the beach, or ring up my eldest sister to play guitar hero in the evening with, then decided i would go back to the holiday. I went back because: I just didnt want to do anything, but the thought of being home alone was unbearable. The thought of hanging out with my brother and his friends was terrible also, they are fun to hang out with, but i felt like such a loser, it was like: I couldn't stand the company of my own friends so i was going to go hang out with my brothers friends.
I almost felt like crying on the way back to the holiday, not really because i was sad, but at how the indecision of it had paralized me. The option "to do nothing" was as terrible as all others. I couldnt choose or not choose. and at the same time i was affraid after the current down mood had left me, i would regret the lost opitunity to hang out with my friends. That my mood was making me "cut my own nose off to spite my face".
Anyway thats why i feel it was a failcake. Although there were fun parts.
Its probably that the bad food, and the lack of exersize over the christmas/NY period came out as a very emo behaviour pattern over NY's holiday.
I think I shall rename my six-month plan (because its just about six months since it started and while there has been good progress its not finished) into "Paladin".
I have begun to play my life like an RPG. There are quests and sidequests, inventory and instances.
Current Main Quest: Paladin
subgoals: finish masters, get in shape, more confident, kind and considerate, more outgoing
Rewards: Increase level (ie become a better person)
Side Quests:
be good at squash: reward - fitness and confidence levels go up
be more slurry: reward - confidence and outgoing go up, penalty: reputation goes down
make friends with adric again: reward - be adrics friend again, outgoing goes up?
(Background to this is one of my best friends from early undergraduate "friend brokeup" with me and wouldnt talk to me anymore, although now is willing to at least chat at parties when we meet)
Current equiped items: Motorbike (the awesome), clothes etc
Recent Instances:
Christmas day (silver pass, reward: to paladin main quest: kind and considerate up 1/2.)
NY holiday (failed)
Dougherties Gym boxing day (bronze pass(i gave up halfway through routine i had chosen), reward: to paladin main quest: fitness up a bit)
I even got some items to equip from christmas instance that may help me in side quest: be more slurry. (my sister bought me cologne) :p
I suppose the only thing wrong with this (besides being nerdy, ill defined and probably a waste of time) is that it may appear to cheapen my behaviour, i may seem very cavalier or even insincere in my approach to situations and people. "Its all just some sort of game..."
oh well. I try to be honest, but what honest is changes depending on my mood, and normaly i dislike disclosing the truth of my feelings, so i convolute them, so they are not lies, but misleading. I dont *exactly* do it on purpose.
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